Tag Archives: Satire

Amazon.com “Pick” of the Day: Mr. Potato Head Dolls that Look Nothing Like the Characters They’re Supposed to Look Like

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Mr. Potato Head owes his life to Toy Story. Without his coveted lifetime spot in the Franchise, it’d be difficult for you to find these things anywhere but the bottom of a dirty toy barrel at your local Salvation Army (the one you used to go to for cheap, ironic t-shirts when you were young and didn’t know any better). He had that spot though, and Mr. Potato Head (along with his lovely wife) has taking advantage of every second of the spotlight since.

At first, it was innocent, like every fledgling toy franchise is. It started out with just the male version of the doll, but quickly diversified to add a female, probably due to sheer demand… not very different from the story of Pac-Man and his girl… even Adam and his woman, Eve, much longer ago. A man eventually needs a wife, after all. And it was good.

Smart companies know when their franchise has reached its peak, and know when to stop. Mr. Potato Head had a chance to do this, especially after the popularity of Toy Story. It didn’t really need to change its recipe ever again. Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head could meet and fall in love over and over again in children’s rooms all over the world for eternity, and everyone would be happy. Unfortunately, Hasbro got greedy, and decided to turn popular franchises into Potato Heads, creating the grotesque, unidentifiable “creatures” you’re about to see.

1. The Star Wars Potato Head Doll

If I didn’t tell you this was a character from the long-running, beloved ‘Star Wars’ franchise, I’d challenge even the greatest of Star Wars fans to be able to identify this disaster… and I’d throw a lot of money on the table for the person who could do it. Even if I did tell you that this was a Star Wars character, many would still have difficulty. I see a big smile, pretty dark skin (even for a potato), a decent-sized blaster, a long, manly cape, and some kind of strange, poorly designed, unidentifiable utility belt. Huh. Uh… Lando Calrissian I guess?

Nope… we’re looking at Princess Leia. Now, I never thought Carrie Fisher was particularly attractive, but this is an insult. When the only thing you can get right is the shape the actor’s hair (not even the color), you need to take a step back and really think about the following question: If we realistically cannot make this look anything like the real person, should we still go on and make hundreds of thousands of them? My guess is… probably not. Star Wars fanatics have standards, too… just like normal people.

2. The Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Potato Head Doll

When you’re planting one of your new Potato Head Dolls on the foundations of a franchise that decided to fast-track a sequel and sacrifice literally everything to get it out early (literally everything… acting, storyline, special effects, continuity), you never really had much of a shot in the first place. Still, stranger things have happened, and it could have maybe been successful. But not this time. Riding the coattails of a doomed movie franchise, the intelligent folks at Mr. Potato Head decided to turn ‘Bumble Bee’ into a Potato Head Doll, to horrifying effect:

Think back to a Halloween you may have had as a child… a Halloween you were extremely ill-prepared for. It was Halloween day, you hadn’t made a costume yet, and all of the stores were sold out of costumes in your size. There were only two hours to go until prime trick or treating time, and you were desperate. So you went into the basement, scoured through old, moldy boxes of broken glass, torn clothing and old Tupperware containers, and you put together a Halloween costume with what you found.

Chances are, it turned out looking like “Bumble Spud” up there. And it was the worst Halloween of all time. Most of the houses probably didn’t even give you candy, because they were too embarrassed of your weak attempt at a franchise costume to even open the door. Mr. Potato Head recreates that awful Halloween for us with “Bumble Spud,” the most disappointing thing any child will receive this Christmas. It’s biggest virtue, perhaps, is that it looks nothing like the Transformers in Revenge of the Fallen. You’d garner even less respect if anyone knew you bought a toy celebrating one of the worst franchise sequels in cinematic history.

3. The Toy Story Potato Head Doll

I know what you’re thinking… “whoa, wait, you’re gonna make fun of Toy Story Mr. Potato Head Doll?!” Don’t worry, friends. I respect the Toy Story Mr. Potato Head more than I respect a lot of human people in this world. What the folks at Hasbro have done in this final segment stands among the greediest things anyone at any company has ever done. Even the good, honest people from Enron would shuffle uncomfortably on their jail cell benches at the sheer amount of greed Hasbro displayed with their newest Potato Head:

Woody. Apparently, having two of the most popular, classic, and nostalgic versions of the Potato Head franchise in your movie isn’t enough. Hasbro wanted to see how much money they could squeeze from Toy Story fans by changing its most popular character into a Potato Head… It really doesn’t get more cocky than this.

I’m not saying that this doesn’t look like Woody. Any self-respecting Toy Story fan would recognize him instantly. That’s not the problem. The problem is that Hasbro is willing to disrespect Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head this much to make a little extra money. Hasbro’s basically coming out and telling Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, “I’m sorry, classic, traditional potato heads that were so funny and awesome in the movie: you’re not enough for us. There are bigger fish in the Toy Story ocean… and we can make more money from them than from you… even if we use your bodies to do it.”

Hasbro, shame on you. Parents: don’t buy your kids these embarrassing, and sometimes even greedy, versions of the potato head dolls. Chances are, your kids won’t even know what they are anyway. Stick to tradition. It’s timeless for a reason.

Amazon.com “Pick” of the Day: The (Gummy) Life Savers Christmas ‘Storybook’

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With the the advance of human civilization all over the world come great increases in population. As a people, we have to learn to not only deal with the often limited amount of space we’re afforded to sort our lives out in, but flourish in it. For some of us, the first opportunity to learn this skill comes in the form of a small dormitory in college, or maybe a shoebox ‘first apartment’ in Manhattan paid for by our new modest, post-college ‘first job’ (if we’re lucky enough to get one, of course).

For most of us, however, the first opportunity we get is at a very young age. You see, for a child, the most valuable pieces of real estate are not found in the ritzy neighborhood you mortgaged your life away to live in… no… they can instead be found in the unnecessarily small neighborhood that is their Christmas stocking.

Its design allows for the storage of very few presents (on purpose, no doubt). If you’re a child with, at the very least, an average level of intelligence, you understand the implications of this tiny amount of space, and try your best to capitalize on it… maximizing the awesome, minimizing the not so awesome. It’s a lot like monopoly. You’ve gotta use your real estate wisely, putting just the right amount of houses in just the right places. Except this is real life and your Christmas can be ruined if you do it wrong.

Some time ago, when we were innocent and didn’t understand too many things, the Life Savers storybook was one of the items most deserving of a piece of the stocking’s available real estate. They came with the real, hard-candy life savers we all used to know and love so well (the exception being butterscotch, which managed to almost single-handedly ruin the entire roll). And they came in the form of a book with a typically awesome Christmas story based on the Life Savers universe.

It’s not 1993 anymore, though. For some reason, Life Savers in its hard candy form haven’t fared too well in the most recent years, and the books they can be found in are all but extinct. Taking their place? Gummy Life Savers “storybooks.” This is a huge problem. Here’s one:

I know what you’re thinking. Looks the same as the ones we had as children, right? Well, you’ve just judged a book by its cover. Actually, you’ve ignored the most important detail on the cover: the word “gummies.” If you’ve ever had a gummy Life Saver, you know what I’m talking about… a horrible, almost flavorless little ring of poor ingenuity.

There is not another candy in the world that gives such wonderful fruits such a bad name. They all taste the same, and they all take about 6 1/2 minutes to chew. The bitter aftertaste lingers, often for weeks. And this book comes with 2 rolls of them… ensuring the rest of your Christmas vacation will not be enjoyable in any sense of the word. But that’s not the whole story. The rest of the story, ironically enough, is that there is no story.

Apparently, the creative team at Life Savers is unable to create a decent narrative storyline with a Christmas theme anymore. Instead, they’ve replaced this usually wonderful section of the book with Christmas “games” – you know the type… the same type you find on the backs of cereal boxes in lieu of the awesome toys you used to find inside the box, before the world got so cheap… the “help Santa get through the maze to his reindeer” or “help Santa unscramble the names of the kids on the “nice list” before Christmas” games. Terrible, horrible, unexciting games that kids don’t ever want to play. And the book’s full of them.

This wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to get if it didn’t take up 45% of your stocking. But these things are huge. And when the rest of the stocking is full of Sweet Tarts’ uninspired, poorly flavored take on the candy cane, you’re in for a rough Christmas morning.

Parents: before you buy what looks like the classic Christmas stocking stuffer you used to know and love as a kid, read the fine print. Chances are, it’s a shell of what is used to be. It’s easy to not notice, but trust me… your kids will. And they won’t ever forget it.

“Facebook Credits” – Putting a Price on the Incredible Amount of Time You’re Wasting on Farmville

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When used in moderation and in the ways it was originally intended to be used, Facebook can be the greatest thing in the world. As nice as it would be to talk to everyone you haven’t seen in a while on the phone, it’s really not possible (or attractive) for most people to do. Facebook fills the conversational void pretty nicely (and minimizes the awkward pauses on the phone when you realize this person who you haven’t talked to in forever is much less interesting than you thought they used to be).

For some people, though, just staying in touch with old friends is never enough. Some people have a lot more time to waste, and they don’t want to move off their couches to do it. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Luke, didn’t you just spend 2 hours the other night making your Facebook profile really cool (http://www.yeahhedid.com/?p=511)?” I obviously can’t deny it, but you have to admit… it’s very cool, and when compared to what I’m here to talk about today, it was a pretty solid way to spend my time. Plus, I do so much awesome stuff in the real world. Just not right now.

So what are we talking about today? You may have seen them in your local Target store, or this may be an entirely new idea to you. Either way, I urge you to read on. I’m talking about “Facebook Credits.” Here they are now:

So what are they? Well, the idea is that you go into your local Target store with real money, bring this to the register, and give away all of that real money away to take it home with you… Essentially, you’re trading real money that can be spent in so many different places for fake money that can be spent in one virtual place… Facebook.

Most of you will beg the question, “But, how do you even spend money on Facebook?” If you asked this question, you passed the “normal person” test, and I applaud you. For the rest of you… you and I know exactly where you can spend these Facebook credits: Zynga’s epic time waster “Farmville.” Apparently, this $15 “Facebook Credits” card can be applied directly to your Facebook account to be used on a variety of Facebook Games and Applications, most notably Farmville. And that’s it. Nowhere else.

The philosophy is basically, “Well, I could just keep my options open and use real money that I can use anywhere (including Farmville), or I could limit myself to just Farmville with Facebook credits so I’m forced to spend copious amounts of time away from my children to raise a family of computer-generated farm cats. I wouldn’t have ever guessed this, because I have (perhaps too much) faith in the human race, but a lot of people choose the latter option. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket.

So, instead of going to the grocery store and buying real corn, carrots and onions that you can enjoy, taste, and sustain the lives of your children with, you can instead use that money you would have spent on your family’s well-being to plant a virtual field of corn, carrots and onions that everyone on Facebook can see… and by everyone I mean the sad, lonely people who spend their time looking at other people’s Farmville farms.

Instead of putting this money towards a brand new car that you can use to drive around the country with your best friends, you can instead put it towards a Farmville tractor that you (or, more specifically, your avatar) can drive around your poorly-animated virtual farm to make sure those “ghost beans” get harvested before the virtual rabbit population quadruples and devours your entire crop (and they will. ohhh they will).

And people wonder why the American dollar is so worthless these days. Our money used to be backed by Gold, a real, solid, beautiful substance forged by the earth itself. Now, our money is backed by millions of acres of online farms run by the least motivated on America’s unemployment line.

Why are people buying these? Well, as real life is met by greater hardships and sharper disappointments, more and more people move to online worlds to help them forget about their real lives and do cool things. Some of those people, for whatever reason, choose farming instead of much cooler worlds where you can do much cooler things.

Their hope is that virtual reality is only a few years away. When it arrives, they’ll be able to go live on those farms they’ve built up for real (well… not really for real, but in your mind’s eye… it’s kind of real). They’ll have all of the domesticated animals, made-up vegetables, and saucy farm wives they could ever want.

What they don’t realize, however, is that all of their money will now be tied up in Facebook credits, a currency that is not, and will never be able to buy you real food. Since they sacrificed all of their real life friends for their farms, no one will be there to help them out when they run out. Most will starve right in their computer chairs while their little avatars have more ears of corn and more bails of wheat than all of the hungry people in the world could ever eat. Irony at its finest.

My point? Real life isn’t all that bad. If you really want to own a farm that badly, work hard, find a fertile piece of land and a decent wife and go do it. You might even do well enough that you make some real money that you can buy real things with. I know. Sounds crazy, right?

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