We are all marching closer and closer towards Christmas Day, the very reason most of the things that are being bought on Amazon.com right now are being bought (save for the small group of selfish people who take this time between Thanksgiving and Christmas to shower themselves with gifts like they do the rest of the year anyyways). As we get closer, the items being purchased seem to be getting more and more senseless (and harder and harder to judge).

Today’s item is a challenge, but is one I’m ready to take on, as I think it has important implications for our country and its reputation and status on the international stage, today and in the future. Today’s item is Monopoly money. Not “Monopoly,” the all-encompassing board game no one ever finishes. Just… the actual “game” cash you find inside the box. Pictured here:

So why are people buying this? I’m sure the majority of the pickers who pick this think that a nice family in a nice, cozy house somewhere in middle class suburbia simply misplaced some of their Monopoly money, and since they play the game so much on their family game nights, they needed to replace it. I’m here to tell those people (and you, if you would have thought this) that you are wrong. Nobody plays Monopoly enough and takes it seriously enough to keep a count of how much Monopoly money they’re missing.

Another possible reason, one I’m sure you’re probably aware of, is a certain group of “funny guys” who keep a stash in their car when they get a speeding ticket to “bribe” the police officer with. The officer is supposed to think it’s lighthearted and funny and let the guy go. This is also wrong. The guys that do this are either in jail (for offending the police officer who is just trying to do his job) or living alone in a small apartment somewhere in one of the “bad” parts of Philadelphia (these kinds of people never make it in the world, and shouldn’t).

So who is buying it? My answer may be taking this too far, and may be a wild assumption, but I sincerely believe that the person who is buying wads of monopoly cash is someone who is really no different than the authority figures in China who are manipulating Chinese currency in order to undervalue it so everyone outsources production to China. Let me explain.

If you’ve traveled outside of the country in the past few years (multiple times, that is) or you simply have read the news, you know the value of the American Dollar is not what it used to be. Nobody’s currency is. As low as the value of our money is, though, the currency of China (Chinaaa aghhh) seems to always be lower…. and just low enough that we outsource all of our production there.

Well, it is my belief that there may be thousands of people (probably living in communes) around the country who, in protest of our government and our currency, are switching over to monopoly money for all of their dealings.

Their end game? For monopoly money to become so prevalent (and so readily available) that it is used throughout the country as the standard wage for blue collar employees (white collar employees will continue to use the American Dollar, as they are experienced enough to know that using board game money could never end well).

Hasbro will inevitably keep “reprinting” this money, as they are a business and want to make real money. There will be so much Monopoly money available that its value will decrease… so much so that it will be on par with China’s. Since the Monopoly money is now being used to pay factory workers and laborers, American companies will find that it is now cheaper to pay Americans Monopoly money than to pay China for labor. China will lose all of its power and America will once again become far and away the greatest nation in human history.

The upside? No more China! Well, no more scary, intimidating China. The downside? A mediocre toy company becomes the biggest, strongest company in the world. Fair trade. Keep buying this stuff up, strange people around the country.