Monthly Archives: November 2010

Amazon.com “Pick” of the Day – The “Catstop” Outdoor Cat Deterrent

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Before I delve into this at all, I want to say that cats are wonderful, and though I’m allergic, I love those little guys. Now, over the past few days, I’ve noticed that, oddly enough, cat products are among the most popular items purchased. I’m not talking normal cat products that regular people buy (cat toys, cat food, cat collars). I’m talking strange, creepy cat books and even stranger high technology cat electronics.

Enter the Catstop Outdoor Cat Deterrent, today’s item of the day. The idea is simple: you stick this thing somewhere outside your house, and it (constantly) emits a high frequency noise that cats apparently don’t like too much, so they stay away forever. Pictured here:

So who’s purchasing this thing, other than the 10 or 15 people in the entire United States who might be dealing with an epidemic of unwanted, dirty, mischievous outdoor cats? Other than Charlie from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (a fictional character, of course and unfortunately), I don’t know of anyone who has excessive cats constantly following them around or hanging around the outside of one’s house… other than “cat ladies.” But they welcome the attention. It’s a tough question, and I think we need to reevaluate cat ladies to understand the answer.

Few people know exactly how a nice, timid girl becomes a cat lady, or at what point (in terms of the numerical amount of cats) one becomes a cat lady. Generally, we just know it starts with at least one cat. The girl falls in love with the cat, as people do with cats (and many other small, domesticated mammals), and begins showering her social networks with pictures, irrelevant updates and events related to the cat, and statuses about how more cats are certainly in the future.

Maybe she buys another cat. Maybe she buys two. But she is still not a cat lady. Not in my book. There are missing pieces.

Once the girl has bought a sufficient amount of “new” cats, or home-grown cats, her heart often softens to the point where she feels the need to adopt a cat from a local shelter. And this is good. More people should do it. However, a key element of becoming a cat lady has just arisen under the surface. It’s something many buyers don’t think about: this cat has been outside before. Maybe even lived outside.

Why is this a problem? Generally speaking, cats that live outdoors (especially in big cities) know every other cat that lives outside in the given city (much like homeless people knowing all of the other homeless people). They have histories, often filthy and full of love triangles (maybe even quadrangles), and an uncanny amount of cat pregnancies.

Now you’re bringing this street cat into your home. At this point, note that you’re still not a cat lady. But you’re dangerously close. What happens next could happen at any point from the day you bring your cat home to the day of your death. Just know that it’s not a matter of “if,” but “when.” One day, Patricia (Patricia is a name that belongs to more cat ladies than any other woman’s name) leaves her door open when she goes to get the Sunday paper. Little Brisket (the shelter named the cat, not her) seizes his opportunity and slips out unnoticed.

Patricia comes back in and assumes Brisket has hidden, something he does often. Instead, Brisket is back on the street, and this time, he’s got news for all of his street cat friends: there’s a house just up the street that welcomes in all cats, big and small, young and old, sick and well, and feeds them plenty, and Brisket knows where it is.

After a few unmentionable dirty, uncivil acts with the females in the group (Brisket is the town tart, after all), he guides them back to Patricia’s house. This is where the Catstop Outdoor Cat Deterrent comes into play. If Patricia was smart enough to know this day was coming, she’s ready with Catstop and can keep the droves of cats away forever (sorry, Brisket. looks like you’re back on the streets). Sad, but she won’t become a cat lady!

If she doesn’t have Catstop, however, she is dooming herself to a life without human love and affection. The cats will overtake her property, and she will slowly but surely give in to their demands, feeding them daily, bathing them, delivering their children, and maybe even talking to them (deep, heartfelt conversations) for extended periods of time. All of her possible suitors will see the woman she’s become and look the other way. Patricia is now a cat lady.

So Patricia… if you’re out there. We recommend the Catstop. Lots of people are starting to get it, and if you want to have a nice, loving husband (human husband) someday, you’ve gotta say goodbye to Brisket and buy the Catstop. Brisket will be fine. He’s already got more love than he knows what to do with. Dirty cat.

YeahHeDid’s First Monthly “Contest for Comments”

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Hello friends and strangers! I hope the night is finding you in warm, comfortable places (not large, cold warehouses, where they typically find me)! Every time I add a new post on here, I always update all of my various social networking sites to notify people that there is new material on here to read. Most of them ignore it of course. But some come!

The second thing I do, however, is ask for comments on the posts I make! And no one ever gives them. People are so busy. But I want some! So I’m starting a contest (because people need incentive for everything these days. I need to learn things) to get some comments on here so it doesn’t look like no one reads this!

It goes a little something like this: Every comment you make on one of my posts is an “entry.” One comment per post per user, but you can comment as many posts as you want. At the end of the month, I will randomly select a winner using some free flash application on some shady website. Don’t post as anonymous (anonymous never wins anything). Use your real name, or pick a name!

What does the winner get? Well, you’re all aware I’m in mighty financial trouble (loans and loans and loans and loans), so it won’t be extravagant, but… maybe someday it will.

For now the winner will get an autographed can of Progresso soup, any flavor or style you want. Depending on what you flavor you pick, I will add a personal message relevant to the kind of soup you choose (whether it’s Traditional Chicken Noodle or something a little more daring, say, High Fiber Hearty Vegetable and Noodle). It will be mailed the cheapest way possible. No insurance or delivery confirmation. I think it’ll still get to you.

Why Progresso? Well I eat it just enough for it to have some kind of meaning to me, but not enough to not want to give it away to you. Let the contest begin! Here’s your first chance! Another one is coming later tonight! Winner will be announced on December 30!

PS. To comment: click “no comments” at the top of the post! Or however many there are.

Amazon.com “Pick” of the Day – Monopoly Money

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We are all marching closer and closer towards Christmas Day, the very reason most of the things that are being bought on Amazon.com right now are being bought (save for the small group of selfish people who take this time between Thanksgiving and Christmas to shower themselves with gifts like they do the rest of the year anyyways). As we get closer, the items being purchased seem to be getting more and more senseless (and harder and harder to judge).

Today’s item is a challenge, but is one I’m ready to take on, as I think it has important implications for our country and its reputation and status on the international stage, today and in the future. Today’s item is Monopoly money. Not “Monopoly,” the all-encompassing board game no one ever finishes. Just… the actual “game” cash you find inside the box. Pictured here:

So why are people buying this? I’m sure the majority of the pickers who pick this think that a nice family in a nice, cozy house somewhere in middle class suburbia simply misplaced some of their Monopoly money, and since they play the game so much on their family game nights, they needed to replace it. I’m here to tell those people (and you, if you would have thought this) that you are wrong. Nobody plays Monopoly enough and takes it seriously enough to keep a count of how much Monopoly money they’re missing.

Another possible reason, one I’m sure you’re probably aware of, is a certain group of “funny guys” who keep a stash in their car when they get a speeding ticket to “bribe” the police officer with. The officer is supposed to think it’s lighthearted and funny and let the guy go. This is also wrong. The guys that do this are either in jail (for offending the police officer who is just trying to do his job) or living alone in a small apartment somewhere in one of the “bad” parts of Philadelphia (these kinds of people never make it in the world, and shouldn’t).

So who is buying it? My answer may be taking this too far, and may be a wild assumption, but I sincerely believe that the person who is buying wads of monopoly cash is someone who is really no different than the authority figures in China who are manipulating Chinese currency in order to undervalue it so everyone outsources production to China. Let me explain.

If you’ve traveled outside of the country in the past few years (multiple times, that is) or you simply have read the news, you know the value of the American Dollar is not what it used to be. Nobody’s currency is. As low as the value of our money is, though, the currency of China (Chinaaa aghhh) seems to always be lower…. and just low enough that we outsource all of our production there.

Well, it is my belief that there may be thousands of people (probably living in communes) around the country who, in protest of our government and our currency, are switching over to monopoly money for all of their dealings.

Their end game? For monopoly money to become so prevalent (and so readily available) that it is used throughout the country as the standard wage for blue collar employees (white collar employees will continue to use the American Dollar, as they are experienced enough to know that using board game money could never end well).

Hasbro will inevitably keep “reprinting” this money, as they are a business and want to make real money. There will be so much Monopoly money available that its value will decrease… so much so that it will be on par with China’s. Since the Monopoly money is now being used to pay factory workers and laborers, American companies will find that it is now cheaper to pay Americans Monopoly money than to pay China for labor. China will lose all of its power and America will once again become far and away the greatest nation in human history.

The upside? No more China! Well, no more scary, intimidating China. The downside? A mediocre toy company becomes the biggest, strongest company in the world. Fair trade. Keep buying this stuff up, strange people around the country.

Amazon.com “Pick” of the Day – The Giant Pencil

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As you’ve seen through the last few posts, the majority of the items I pick are awkward books that should never appear in any normal person’s list of search results. However, a huge chunk of my day involves picking items that are not movies, music and books (the staples of Amazon). Today’s item fits this category of picks… The Giant Pencil.

We’ve all made the mistake (admittedly or not) of either forcing our parents to give us money to buy one of these, or wasting the little money we have on one in a moment of blind buyer confidence, excitement, and untamed, juvenile impulse. The ultimate “impulse buy.” Pictured below:

It is my sincere belief that purchasing (and regretting) one of these is a very important part of growing up, and is a fundamental part of the chain of events that catalyze one’s ability to mature. We all went on field trips to some kind of museum when we were in elementary school, with or without mom as chaperon (preferably with, giving you a coveted and endless money supply for souvenirs). The museum itself is a blur for kids this age, and they’ll never remember a minute of it. However, the inevitable trip to the museum store at the end is what we all wait for, and where we all make our first major purchasing mistakes of our young lives.

Mom’s not chaperoning on the particular day in which my scenario takes place (little “Rachel” is our protagonist today). Rachel only has 10 dollars to spend, and it came with a warning from mother… “Don’t waste it on something you’re not going to really enjoy.” Rachel glides past the stuffed elephants and sloths and frogs, souvenirs reserved for the elite group of “rich” kids, whose parents nestled a $50 bill in each of their backpacks. Those stuffed animals are so expensive. Rachel will wait until Christmas to get hers. At least she’s being raised right.

She moves throughout the store, growing worried she won’t find something she can even afford, let alone enjoy. Then her eyes settle on the item at hand: the giant pencil. Gripping it with both hands, her eyes light up as she pictures the scene in tomorrow’s English class: all of her friends taking out their dinky little Ticonderoga No. 2 pencils, and her whipping out this baby. All eyes move to her, and they watch jealously as she struggles to take notes with an item made for a giant, giant man.

Instead of considering other possible scenarios, including the more likely one, where all of the kids just think she’s stupid for having such a big, dumb inefficient pencil that she can barely fit into her backpack, she buys it on impulse. When she gets home, her mom takes one look at the thing and sends her to bed with no dinner. She knows her daughter made a grave error, one she made just 20 years ago when she was in the same situation, though back then the history was much closer to real life than it is now.

Rachel brings the thing to school the next day, and is relentlessly hassled for the pencil until it’s put away forever. Like every giant pencil ever purchased was. Note that this is the typical giant pencil purchasing scenario, not the one at hand.

So the question is: who is purchasing this on Amazon for their child, when they should have known full well that this is one of the most regrettable purchases you could ever make? The answer is simple: a mother who was very, very sheltered as a child, maybe even home-schooled; a woman who never had opportunity to make the mistake of buying one of these in her youth; a culture-less woman whose lack of exposure to museums and museum stores sent her down the destructive path that is endless money wasting.

The result? Her daughter (we’ll call her Julie) will never mature herself, as she will never have the opportunity to watch physical cash leave her hand as the big stupid giant pencil is handed to her. Instead, she gets it in the mail for “free” from her mother. Who cares if she only uses it once? No consequences for Julie.

Parents: let your children buy this one on their own. They need to learn. They need to grow.

Amazon.com “Pick” of the Day – The Anger & Aggression Workbook

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Today’s pick is one that has, surprisingly, been purchased more times than you would probably guess (if you’re the kind of person who generally gives people the benefit of the doubt, the kind of person who trusts people and thinks most people are, under the surface, good people). It’s a book that doesn’t try to mask what its intentions are with a deceptive title: “The Anger & Aggression” Workbook.

We’ve all known angry people before, and we all know the various ways angry people work to become happier, calmer versions of themselves… but I doubt most of you have ever pictured a very angry man sitting down and completing a workbook that asks him to put his feelings down on over-sized, evenly spaced lines akin to the beginners’ Spanish workbooks you probably worked with when you were in the 7th grade. But let me tell you: plenty of men and women are doing this. The workbook is pictured below:

The most important question seems (to me) to be: At what stage in the “healing” process do you start using the workbook? What level of commitment to overcoming one’s anger does one have to have to order this book from Amazon and start doing the exercises? It’s a great question. Let’s explore.

Scenario: A man (we’ll call him Hunter) has a wife and two kids. Hunter’s a Buffalo Bills fan (he was born into it the team. unfortunate). When Hunter watches the Bills lose, he often loses control. He’s far from the point where he would consider taking his anger out on his immediate family (thank God), but the population of the family’s collection of plates, cups, and coffee mugs suffers on Sundays. The family wears shoes constantly in the family room, as you never really know if Hunter forgot to pick up a broken shard of the dinner plate he threw following last night’s massacre of the Bills (an almost weekly occurrence this year).

The wife (we’ll call her Allison) is getting sick of it. Her paychecks aren’t big enough to continuously replace the dishes Hunter tosses at will on Sunday afternoons. The tipping point? The first time little Billy (the youngest) doesn’t even get a plate to eat off of on Spaghetti Tuesday (a weekly tradition). Billy is forced to eat the Spaghetti off of a cheap napkin, whose fragility forces young Billy to ingest an unhealthy amount of cloth along with his spaghetti. He gets sick. The day before the big test on the 50-state capitals. He already has a low C for the quarter. Repeating the 3rd grade won’t vie well for the little guy later in life.

Allison’s told Hunter he needs to work on his anger plenty of times before. It doesn’t seem to be working. The family’s in no financial state to be able to get Hunter anger management counseling. He probably wouldn’t go anyways. He’s lazy and has been on unemployment for almost 3 months. She can’t sit back and do nothing.

Anger & Aggression workbook to the rescue. She orders one and sets in on the dining room table, a place Hunter sits every night to smoke a cigar and down a couple of Bud Heavy’s before heading to bed. He usually completes the daily crossword puzzle during this time (uncharacteristic of the man, but he loves word games). Tonight, however, following the newspaper subscription’s cancellation by Allison, Hunter is left with only one choice: the anger and aggression workbook. He wearily cracks the workbook open and begins filling out what seem like harmless personality tests and questionnaires.

Fast forward 2 months: Hunter’s Buffalo Bills are now the worst team in the league. But he’s gone through the workbook. Is he still an angry person? Call it a hunch, but I say he is. If a cheap, non-descriptive workbook like this couldn’t teach me a basic understanding of Spanish in 7th grade, I doubt it could free a man from his anger at 45 years old. I guess it’s time to stock up on paper plates and cups, Allison. Or pray the Bills get a decent draft choice for next season.