Before I delve into this at all, I want to say that cats are wonderful, and though I’m allergic, I love those little guys. Now, over the past few days, I’ve noticed that, oddly enough, cat products are among the most popular items purchased. I’m not talking normal cat products that regular people buy (cat toys, cat food, cat collars). I’m talking strange, creepy cat books and even stranger high technology cat electronics.
Enter the Catstop Outdoor Cat Deterrent, today’s item of the day. The idea is simple: you stick this thing somewhere outside your house, and it (constantly) emits a high frequency noise that cats apparently don’t like too much, so they stay away forever. Pictured here:
So who’s purchasing this thing, other than the 10 or 15 people in the entire United States who might be dealing with an epidemic of unwanted, dirty, mischievous outdoor cats? Other than Charlie from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (a fictional character, of course and unfortunately), I don’t know of anyone who has excessive cats constantly following them around or hanging around the outside of one’s house… other than “cat ladies.” But they welcome the attention. It’s a tough question, and I think we need to reevaluate cat ladies to understand the answer.
Few people know exactly how a nice, timid girl becomes a cat lady, or at what point (in terms of the numerical amount of cats) one becomes a cat lady. Generally, we just know it starts with at least one cat. The girl falls in love with the cat, as people do with cats (and many other small, domesticated mammals), and begins showering her social networks with pictures, irrelevant updates and events related to the cat, and statuses about how more cats are certainly in the future.
Maybe she buys another cat. Maybe she buys two. But she is still not a cat lady. Not in my book. There are missing pieces.
Once the girl has bought a sufficient amount of “new” cats, or home-grown cats, her heart often softens to the point where she feels the need to adopt a cat from a local shelter. And this is good. More people should do it. However, a key element of becoming a cat lady has just arisen under the surface. It’s something many buyers don’t think about: this cat has been outside before. Maybe even lived outside.
Why is this a problem? Generally speaking, cats that live outdoors (especially in big cities) know every other cat that lives outside in the given city (much like homeless people knowing all of the other homeless people). They have histories, often filthy and full of love triangles (maybe even quadrangles), and an uncanny amount of cat pregnancies.
Now you’re bringing this street cat into your home. At this point, note that you’re still not a cat lady. But you’re dangerously close. What happens next could happen at any point from the day you bring your cat home to the day of your death. Just know that it’s not a matter of “if,” but “when.” One day, Patricia (Patricia is a name that belongs to more cat ladies than any other woman’s name) leaves her door open when she goes to get the Sunday paper. Little Brisket (the shelter named the cat, not her) seizes his opportunity and slips out unnoticed.
Patricia comes back in and assumes Brisket has hidden, something he does often. Instead, Brisket is back on the street, and this time, he’s got news for all of his street cat friends: there’s a house just up the street that welcomes in all cats, big and small, young and old, sick and well, and feeds them plenty, and Brisket knows where it is.
After a few unmentionable dirty, uncivil acts with the females in the group (Brisket is the town tart, after all), he guides them back to Patricia’s house. This is where the Catstop Outdoor Cat Deterrent comes into play. If Patricia was smart enough to know this day was coming, she’s ready with Catstop and can keep the droves of cats away forever (sorry, Brisket. looks like you’re back on the streets). Sad, but she won’t become a cat lady!
If she doesn’t have Catstop, however, she is dooming herself to a life without human love and affection. The cats will overtake her property, and she will slowly but surely give in to their demands, feeding them daily, bathing them, delivering their children, and maybe even talking to them (deep, heartfelt conversations) for extended periods of time. All of her possible suitors will see the woman she’s become and look the other way. Patricia is now a cat lady.
So Patricia… if you’re out there. We recommend the Catstop. Lots of people are starting to get it, and if you want to have a nice, loving husband (human husband) someday, you’ve gotta say goodbye to Brisket and buy the Catstop. Brisket will be fine. He’s already got more love than he knows what to do with. Dirty cat.