Monthly Archives: May 2010

Luke vs. Nabisco, Final Round (KO)

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Well.

It’s been a long, rough road since I bought that of Cheese Nips that set off a violent feud between Nabisco and I. However, I’m here to report that the feud has ended, and I am more than victorious. (if you haven’t read the original Luke vs. Nabisco post yet, it’s here: http://www.yeahhedid.com/?p=21)

I’ve been waiting a long time to share this moment with you, so allow me to bask in this for a second.

…Okay.

Here we go.

Kraft (Nabisco’s parent company I guess, cleaning up its child’s mess as usual) decided to take my e-mail seriously (thank God).

They sent me this letter:

Fair enough, but where’s my compensation?

Oh, wait, there’s something else in the envelope:

Score! And notice the particulars – I can choose any Nabisco cookies or crackers. I don’t even have to buy Cheese Nips again, which is good, because I was running out of condescending words to use in what would’ve been another complaint letter to Nabisco. Not only that, it’s worth $4.49! 3 times what I paid for my Cheese Nips. $3 profit for an e-mail that was very enjoyable to write isn’t bad. I consider this my first victory. There will be more. Trust me.

Oh, and on the back of the coupon?

Kraft’s other affiliates. They probably see this as an opportunity to show me the other great products that I can buy from under the Kraft umbrella. I see it as a black list. Shame, because A1 sauce is awesome.

And Here I Was Thinking about Buying a Powerball Ticket…

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I was in Giant the other day, staring down a woman who had every intention (and every resource) to sell my a powerball ticket. I was getting a Giant Advantage Card (I’ve been all about the savings for quite a while), but until I saw the lady in front of me buy a powerall ticket with powerplay, I hadn’t even considered it. I ended up not getting one, which was due either to a hunch that I wouldn’t win this time, or the fact that I had no idea how to actually ask for one and would probably embarrass myself. Anyways, apparently I made the best decision ever, because I just received a potentially life changing e-mail today (my first real piece of “spam” e-mail on my new gmail account!) However, I believe the spam box is full of everything but, and this one’s going to make me just as wealthy as a powerball victory would.

The e-mail reads:

Dear Friend,

With due respect to your person and much sincerity of purpose I make this contact with you as I believe that you can be of great assistance to me. my name is Mr. DAVID PETER, from Ouagadougou Republic of BURKINA FASO, West Africa. Presently i work in the Bank as telex manager. I have been searching for your contact since you left our country some years ago .I do not know whether this is your correct email address or not because I only used your name initials to search for your contact in the internet .In case you are not the person I am supposed to contact , please see this as a confidential message and do not reveal it to another person but if you are not the intended receiver, do let me know whether you can be of assistance regarding my proposal below because it is top secret.

I am about to retire from active Bank service to start a new life but I am sceptical to reveal this particular secret to a stranger . You must assure me that everything will be handled confidentially because we are not going to suffer again in life.
It has been 10 years now that most of the greedy African Politicians used our bank to Launder money overseas through the help of their Political advisers. Most of the funds which they transferred out of the shores of Africa was gold and oil money that was supposed to have been used to develop the continent. Their Political advisers always inflated the amounts before transfer to foreign accounts so I also used the opportunity to divert part of the funds hence I am aware that there is no official trace of how much was transferred as all the accounts used for such transfers were being closed after transfer.

I acted as the Bank Officer to most of the politicians and when I discovered that they were using me to succeed in their greedy act, I also cleaned some of their banking records from the Bank files and no one cared to ask me because the money was too much for them to control. They laundered over ($5b) Five Billion Dollars during the process .As I am sending this message to you, I was able to divert more than One Hundred and Fifty Million Dollars ($150m) to an escrow account belonging to no one in the bank. The bank is anxious now to know who is the beneficiary to the funds because they have made a lot of profits with the funds.

It is more than Eight years now and most of the politicians are no longer using our bank to transfer funds overseas. The $150 Million Dollars has been lying waste but I don’t want to retire from the bank without transferring the funds to a foreign account to enable me share the proceeds with the receiver. The money will be shared 60% for me and 40% for you .

There is no one coming to ask you about the funds because I secured everything.I only want you to assist me by providing a bank account where the funds can be transferred. You are not to face any difficulties or legal implications as I am going to handle the transfer personally. If you are capable of receiving the funds, do let me know immediately to enable me give you a detailed information on what to do.

For me, I have not stolen the money from anyone because the other people that took the whole money did not face any problems. This is my chance also to grab my own but you must keep the details of the funds secret to avoid leakages as no one in the bank knows about the funds.

Please supply me the following:

Your current contact address and Telephone Numbers.
I shall intimate you on what to do when I get your confirmation and acceptance. If you are capable of being my trusted associate, do declare your consent to me.
Waiting for your urgent response.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr PETER .

Ok. Generally, I trust everyone on the internet automatically, because I’ve found very few people on the internet to be untrustworthy. This, though, threw me off balance. There were a lot of holes in his e-mails, and a lot of things that didn’t make sense, so I’m asking for clarification before I get my $60 mil. Mr. Peter’s future correspondences will be noted on this site.

My response:

Mr. Peter,

Your story is beautiful. It must have been so morally destructive on your conscience to watch (and help) these politicians steal so much money from a continent that needs it so much. That said, $150,000,000 is nothing to sneer at. I’d say that I was interested, but you’re really only going to give me 40%? That’s not only selfish, but hypocritical. If you want to break away from these politicians and become the man that they weren’t, you’d agree – 50/50. I should ask for more, but I’m reasonable. There are about 7000 other African bank owners in my other spam box that would offer me much more than you, but your story touched me in a way that theirs did not. It had a certain honesty to it that I haven’t seen in my spam box in a very long time.

I just have several issues I’d like you to address before I even begin to think about answering this e-mail in a non-satirical manner. First: Did you really send this e-mail to every person with the initials L.K in the world? I respect that you’re trying to keep this secret (even though you say it’s not illegal, you have to admit, it’s shady as eff), but if you’re sending it to every L.K, it’s bound to get in the wrong hands. Don’t believe me? I just randomly searched another L.K name, just so see what I’d find, and I was disturbed. I chose Lawrence King, because that was the first thing that came to me, and immediately found this:

“The Franklin child prostitution ring allegations were a series of allegations and legal actions surrounding an alleged child sex ring serving high-level U.S. politicians. The scandal centered around the actions of Lawrence E. King, a prominent member of the Republican Party[1][2] and former official at the Franklin Community Federal Credit Union in Omaha, Nebraska. King was eventually arrested and convicted of embezzlement charges…..”

Just imagine – if I was able to find this in 4 seconds, imagine how many other bad LK’s there are in this country. I’m sure Mr. King got the e-mail too, and from the looks of it, he’s only going to do very bad, very gross things with the money if he got it. I’m just worried your story has gotten to the wrong people.

Second of all, I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never been to the continent of Africa in my life (let alone West Africa), so your paragraph about how I was there once is very unnerving. Can you explain that?

Lastly, “Peter David” is a pretty generic name, especially for someone from such a culturally interesting part of the world. Is that really your name?

Please note, Mr. Peter, that Gmail warned me about you – there was a red thing at the top of the screen that said WAIT! Watch out for this guy, he may not be who he says he is.

I love and trust google, but I want to trust you, too. Answer these questions for me, and prove the world wrong.

Good luck Mr. Peter! If you go through someone else, please pay off my student loans anyways. Cheers!

-LK

Let’s just hope this guy’s for real. I’m sure he is. Anyone who comments this gets 500 thou if this guy turns out to be legit. Incentive.

Mr. Peter’s alleged location:

Looks nice, doesn’t it?

What I’ve Been Missing on Xanga

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Every once in a while, I log out of my new e-mail account on Yahoo! Mail and sign into my old account (very old – “fmpunk1987@yahoo.com” was me trying to be cool at about 15 years old) to catch up on my mail. Most of the time, it’s for a self esteem boost (because the average American does not have 8,526 messages in his or her inbox, but I do). Some of the time, though, it’s for a moment very much like the one I enjoyed tonight. You see, with old e-mail accounts come old websites I was once a part of. Namely, Xanga. I’m sure you remember it:

Anyways, I was shocked to find e-mails (RECENT E-MAILS) notifying me that I’d received a few private messages on my old Xanga account (the best kind of message, in my opinion). Intrigued and excited, I signed into xanga and checked them out. To my surprise, there were two, and they were both from, on the surface, legitimate women, both of whom were very into what they were seeing on my old Xanga profile page. Here’s what they said.

Margaret Richardson’s letter:

Thrown off, but still excited, I checked out the second one, this being from Virginia Bailey:

I know what you’re thinking. On the surface, these two seem like completely unintelligible, trashy (maybe even slutty) women who just want me to get on their website (they share one, it looks like), but you’re not like me. I’m a “benefit of the doubt” kind of guy, and jump at the chance for exciting romance. The obvious question was: who do I choose? I’m not one to go behind a girl’s back (especially with one of her friends, as the shared website would indicate), so I had to pick one. They both seemed similar, but I knew there were differences if I looked hard, and it was important for me to find them. My selection process is detailed below:

1. Names. Both were beautiful, but I once knew an old woman in Elementary School with the last name “Richardson.” She was very heavy set and sported a nasty temperament. They’re probably not related, but to be safe, I’m gonna have to give a point to Virginia Bailey.

Virginia: 1

Margaret: 0

2. Grammar/Diction. Both are grammatically, err, malnourished, but the difference in diction is substantial. While Virginia called me “super,” a pretty non-specific, broad adjective, Margaret told me exactly what I wanted to hear: she thought I was pretty. Moreover, Margaret was much more upfront and honest about what kind of pictures I was going to be seeing at this site of hers, calling them “revealing.” I like the honesty. Virginia took the liar’s route, calling hers “spicy,” another broad term that could mean anything. I don’t want a girl that hides anything from me, so Margaret edges out Virginia here.

Virginia: 1

Margaret: 1

A tie. How to decide? I decided to leave my inbox and travel to their unique profiles for a tiebreaker. I’d pick the one with the better profile (a profile, especially a Xanga profile, tells a lot about someone). I decided to check Virginia’s first, as she was the first to receive a point. Here’s the gist of it:

First of all, no profile pic? I’m all for dating girls based completely on personality, but when your grammar is that bad, you’ve lost a lot of points already, and personality can only get you so many back. Second of all, white text on light gray? How can you be so stupid. Margaret didn’t need to do much to take this one. Here is hers:

Okay. No profile picture. Virginia didn’t either, so these cancel each other out. But wait… did she post… a cartoon? And not just a cartoon… but the funniest cartoon of all time? Wow. Someone with that good of a sense of humor immediately wins (because that’s what I’m looking for in a girl).

Virginia: 1

Margaret: 2

Margaret! I felt like I already knew everything about her, but I decided to make contact so that I could get to know the Margaret BEHIND the disfigured gray silhouetted profile picture. Not only that, but I also wanted to put Virginia, the loser, in her place. My messages to the two girls are below:

Margaret’s:

It’ll probably go over very well with her. Virginia, on the other hand, might have a tougher time getting through hers:

Here’s to hoping Margaret really does see in me what she says she does. Maybe I should get back into Xanga.

A Precautionary Measure

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So I was getting ready to write this long awesome post, then I found out that the LOST series finale script leaked onto the internet. As a precautionary measure, I am leaving the internet for the remainder of the evening. Expect more tomorrow. If you’re watching, enjoy!

A Noble Attempt at Employment

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One of the websites I look at sometimes is http://www.absolutepunk.net. It’s a music news/reviews/interviews website, and it’s generally a good time. While I generally disagree with (and battle with) most of the users on the site, it’s still generally a good time (almost more fun because of it). Apparently Jason Tate is hiring a new guy or girl to help write reviews, interview, set up exclusive content and some other stuff, and asked for potential applicants to apply in his blog. Most talked about all of the awesome stuff they’ve done that’s relevant, and since my stuff wasn’t as awesome, I tried to be simple and show them the real Luke Kingma.

It went something like this:

Sometimes I think the titles of articles are funny, and though I don’t think Daisy is very good, I sometimes listen to old Brand New. I also have a coffee mug that keeps liquids hot for 8 hours, so it’s easy to stay up late into the night writing. Though the “b” key sticks sometimes on my keyboard, I can still type one if I have to by using a little force, so using the letter “b” is anything but a problem for me. I have a bachelor’s degree in film that doesn’t qualify me to do anything but is still kind of cool. The Radio Dept, The Hold Steady, and Surfer Blood are my awesome bands today. I have 4 possible wi-fi networks in my area that aren’t password protected aside from my own, so pending a disaster of curious proportions in my area (maybe the biggest electrical storm ever), I’ll always have internet. I’m also probably going to buy a dog soon. E-mail me at LukeKingma@gmail.com. Cheers.

If you’re a member of the site, tell them I might as well be hired. Link’s here: http://absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showjournal&j=1

I’m sure I’d be so good at that job, and you are too.