Every once in a while, I log out of my new e-mail account on Yahoo! Mail and sign into my old account (very old – “fmpunk1987@yahoo.com” was me trying to be cool at about 15 years old) to catch up on my mail. Most of the time, it’s for a self esteem boost (because the average American does not have 8,526 messages in his or her inbox, but I do). Some of the time, though, it’s for a moment very much like the one I enjoyed tonight. You see, with old e-mail accounts come old websites I was once a part of. Namely, Xanga. I’m sure you remember it:

Anyways, I was shocked to find e-mails (RECENT E-MAILS) notifying me that I’d received a few private messages on my old Xanga account (the best kind of message, in my opinion). Intrigued and excited, I signed into xanga and checked them out. To my surprise, there were two, and they were both from, on the surface, legitimate women, both of whom were very into what they were seeing on my old Xanga profile page. Here’s what they said.

Margaret Richardson’s letter:

Thrown off, but still excited, I checked out the second one, this being from Virginia Bailey:

I know what you’re thinking. On the surface, these two seem like completely unintelligible, trashy (maybe even slutty) women who just want me to get on their website (they share one, it looks like), but you’re not like me. I’m a “benefit of the doubt” kind of guy, and jump at the chance for exciting romance. The obvious question was: who do I choose? I’m not one to go behind a girl’s back (especially with one of her friends, as the shared website would indicate), so I had to pick one. They both seemed similar, but I knew there were differences if I looked hard, and it was important for me to find them. My selection process is detailed below:

1. Names. Both were beautiful, but I once knew an old woman in Elementary School with the last name “Richardson.” She was very heavy set and sported a nasty temperament. They’re probably not related, but to be safe, I’m gonna have to give a point to Virginia Bailey.

Virginia: 1

Margaret: 0

2. Grammar/Diction. Both are grammatically, err, malnourished, but the difference in diction is substantial. While Virginia called me “super,” a pretty non-specific, broad adjective, Margaret told me exactly what I wanted to hear: she thought I was pretty. Moreover, Margaret was much more upfront and honest about what kind of pictures I was going to be seeing at this site of hers, calling them “revealing.” I like the honesty. Virginia took the liar’s route, calling hers “spicy,” another broad term that could mean anything. I don’t want a girl that hides anything from me, so Margaret edges out Virginia here.

Virginia: 1

Margaret: 1

A tie. How to decide? I decided to leave my inbox and travel to their unique profiles for a tiebreaker. I’d pick the one with the better profile (a profile, especially a Xanga profile, tells a lot about someone). I decided to check Virginia’s first, as she was the first to receive a point. Here’s the gist of it:

First of all, no profile pic? I’m all for dating girls based completely on personality, but when your grammar is that bad, you’ve lost a lot of points already, and personality can only get you so many back. Second of all, white text on light gray? How can you be so stupid. Margaret didn’t need to do much to take this one. Here is hers:

Okay. No profile picture. Virginia didn’t either, so these cancel each other out. But wait… did she post… a cartoon? And not just a cartoon… but the funniest cartoon of all time? Wow. Someone with that good of a sense of humor immediately wins (because that’s what I’m looking for in a girl).

Virginia: 1

Margaret: 2

Margaret! I felt like I already knew everything about her, but I decided to make contact so that I could get to know the Margaret BEHIND the disfigured gray silhouetted profile picture. Not only that, but I also wanted to put Virginia, the loser, in her place. My messages to the two girls are below:

Margaret’s:

It’ll probably go over very well with her. Virginia, on the other hand, might have a tougher time getting through hers:

Here’s to hoping Margaret really does see in me what she says she does. Maybe I should get back into Xanga.